– Words I choose to Speak

 

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‘That’ story is not one I need to tell.

I am not made of my trauma.

I am not made of hell.

 

But I will talk about my healing.

With words I plant new seeds,

For a body that can love and grow with the compassion that it needs.

 

I’m quite a private person.

Perhaps you didn’t know?

The parts of me, I let you see,

are the parts I choose to show.

 

Get to know me patiently.

I don’t dwell in the past.

But sometimes demons dig old habits, and I need healing that lasts.

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Be there – If you can for me,

I will show up too.

I’m not asking for you to save me,

I’m just asking for you.

 

Although I am gentle.

I am a warrior inside.

I’ve won so many battles,

in my body, heart and mind.

 

I’m turning ash to sunlight,

I’m bathing my new skin.

So be patient with me darling.

I’m making love to bring.

 

  • The words I choose to speak.

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How the world IS helping me heal…

When struggling with my Mental health often I felt powerless and as if the universe was against me.

Sometimes I felt empty, like a shell of a person. A collection of painful memories, bull dosing energies and conflicting thoughts.

Nothing was real and nothing mattered. Least of all me.

I wanted to feel better. So much. I’d go through cycles of deciding to drastically change my life, becoming very mindful about my food, exercise regime, and working very hard to project positive affirmations, that I’d then hate myself on the days when I was exhausted, unable to concentrate, annoyed at the universe and felt like only eating plain pasta and locking myself into my bedroom.

I completely underestimated the effort of choosing small act and committing to it. My cynical mind saw so many issues, I felt like only one change was not enough. However despite this, I made the commitment to keep a gratitude diary. Each night before bed, for several months I’ve written a few things that I appreciate about the day i’ve had.

On good days, Bad days and ugly days. I even committed to writing about my gratitude when coming home drunk, which was amusing to read back the next day.

I noticed over a few months, that my small act had resulted in a larger shift in my overall mood, thoughts, approach to situations and stress levels….

Without deeply pushing and trying, I found myself leaning towards habits and environments that served me and being able to reach out for more knowledge with a focused approach.

I find that my yoga practise in rewarding because I discover my body each day.

I take more time to spend outside, listening to music and playing with my dog because I notice how genuinely happy these things make me.

At work, bar shifts pass smoothly when I appreciate the effort on my part, the money it is bringing me, the skills I have learnt and also the interesting customers, satisfaction of providing a service and the amount of care and detail my co workers put into every aspect of the pub.

I take more value in my efforts to learn guitar and create music, and instead of comparing myself I find appreciation in my journey. It’s easier to focus on learning and the information in front of me, when I’m not trying to reinforce a negative view on my ability.

I notice people easily. Kind. Stroppy. Shy. Sarcastic. Overthinking. Petty. Hilarious. Hardworking, people.

Instead of looking for good or bad, right or wrong, I see one completely gorgeous flowing river. Like glaciers, canals, lakes and oceans, I notice how interconnected we all are. In journeys, lessons, emotions and purpose.

Sometimes as I hear music, or look at a street, or see a group of kids playing, I get taken by a moment of thinking…. Humans created this. And it is beautiful.

Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, I’m noticing what is so right.

Each day, I am given so many opportunities to over come my fears and practise speaking my truth. The majority of the people I interact with are kind, caring and in my honesty show their humanity also.

As much as possible, I am making the choice to see the funny side, eat food that feels good and take rest when I need it.

It turns out, one small and seemingly silly step was actually an incredible leap towards healthier decision making.

I now see that in order to create a happier version of myself my world didn’t need to adapt, I have everything I need within myself and I can make choices to create healthy environments for myself with the opportunities I am given. As I grow to love myself and love life, I have more to give, and in giving compassion, can help to heal others and the planet.

Lots of Love,

Nome

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Do you listen?

I used to play my life like chess,
A game with many rules and a fight against an opponent.
I had to be careful and calculate every move.
I was so afraid of making a mistake and loosing another piece.

Now my life is music.
A sequence of chords. Notes high and low in perfect tune.
Gentle. Vibration. Spiralling.
It is not a journey or a lesson.
It is this moment.
Each beautiful fleeting note feeding into the next, holding my soul.
Clashes and silences.
Rhythms and keys.
All collecting together into an instinct so pure… as much as we resist we will always feel it.
No matter how distracted we get in our thoughts, fears and minds.
No matter where we go to block out the sound.
We will feel it. We are all connected with it…

Love, pain, memories, lust, excitement, joy, sadness, repetition, volume, echoes, pauses, solos, duets, ensembles, harmonies, drops, rhythms…
It’s a language we all speak when we choose to listen.

🌹🌹

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Deeper Vaster Cleaner

If we are meant to break,

Lets break.

Lets shatter, crumble and disintegrate.

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I once fought with Time. I believed it was against me. Pulling me away from the people I love.

I was running out of good moments and I was racing in a battle to prove myself.

I fought my own atoms. My thoughts, my wants and the messages from myself. A battle to convince myself that I was not enough. A battle where I thought I had to  be left small, or carry pain, and where I believed I was not strong.

But now I realise that Time is winning. Time has won. Time is on my side. I am alive now. Right now.

in a world that may be imperfect and cruel but I have the opportunity to fill my lungs and use my words and fight. I can dance. I can sing. I can choose silence. I can make choices, to live as I want, with who I want. I can fight to be with the people I want in my life, I can let go of the people I don’t.

I’m alive in this age, in this country and I am lucky enough to be in this universe at the same time as every person who has inspired me and loved me. Every romance, friendship and meaningful reaction happened at the perfect time. I’m alive in a world where I can send good morning texts to friends in China and watch entire universes play out on small screens.

I realise that I will always win my battles. That no matter how much I pause, or resist the flow of life. No matter how much I try to attach myself to ideals of who I should be, people who I think will serve me and expectations of how I think my life will go. I will always be exactly who I am supposed to be in each moment. Imperfectly perfect. My life will always flow, move on and change, and I can accept and appreciate the person I am in it.

I’m ready to love.

To be. To split away from the anchors I created for and in myself.

I’m ready to feel. To let the vibration of my life bring me more music, more dancing. More changes. More light.

So if I am meant to break. I’ll break. If I’m meant to lose, I’ll lose.  I’ll fight for what and who I want.

Even if it doesn’t stay forever.

Even if it brings me tears.

I’ll let those tears flow.

Into a river.

Into a sea.

Into an Ocean.

Into something and somewhere,

Deeper,

Vaster,

Cleaner.

And I will let my experiences teach me, as I flow into my life  

                                                   – Getting Older. Getting Freer. tumblr_otzwqhwe311rnpavmo1_1280.jpg

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I am there for you…

 

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Talk to me.

You don’t need to know the answers.

You don’t need to apologise for your feelings.

Or be cruel to yourself in words.

Talk to me.

You don’t need to explain the reasons.

You don’t need to justify the actions you took.

You don’t need to guard your energy for my sake.

If you don’t have words,

Use your eyes.

If you can’t see, be still and let me hold you.

Let me hold you in silence.

Let me hold you in tears.

Let me hold you during the sweet kind of nervous laughter, we feel as we are vulnerable.

Let me ground you in my arms, and breathe with you.

You don’t have to have a solution to your emotions when you share with me.

You don’t have to worry that you might unroot me.

My friend, I am not a fragile glass. My roots are deep and my thoughts are leaves that flow high into the sky, I have endless growth and strength for this life. Although I get bruised and burnt, I am strong and free.

 

I have nothing but love for you. I have space for your emotions.

I am free and you can be too. I will still love you. I will still love myself.

So talk to me.

Without words,

Without actions.

Just be,

Be with me.

And let me be with you.

  • What I mean when I say I am there for you.

 

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Need?

A hunger for self improvement is a natural part of the human experience. The need to move, grow and then procreate to develop DNA, is the fundamental law that creates the conscious experience. It is represented in sacred geometry through the flower of life and expressed through the continual expansion of the universe. All life and energy, moves to find it’s edges and then expands them.

This hunger brought mankind fire, wheels, electricity, and the modern day developments that have now allowed our physical needs to be met. This evolutionary stage, has created room for expansion of our minds and social bieng to be our primary focus. We’ve created complex social structures, virtual cyber realities, mystical novels, music of unlimited genres, and developed practises such as hypnosis and psychotherapy.

 

In the gaps to fill our desire for self improvement, space for the control of advertising, consumerism, social conditioning and negative memory recall also has formed. Features of the human experience that are often responsible for anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorders and general societal unhappiness.  Our brains, originally designed for a species that survived in brutal nature, are programmed to use visual cues to dictate decisions, always feel like they need ‘more’ because food sources were not consistent. In primal times remembering every possibly danger and calculating potential threats in new environments was vital.

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Often we can feel stupid for having anxieties or sadness. There have been many times when I have felt so ridiculous because I’ve been unhappy, and I’ve blamed myself. In my privileged western life of travel and creativity, how can still feel like a massive failure?

I am a believer in the law of attraction and in the belief that we get to choose our mindsets and create our realities. When I feel down, it’s easy to beat myself up…. because I don’t understand why I would have chosen to make decisions that make me unhappy. I don’t understand why I have chosen to listen to anxious/negative thoughts, or made decisions based on impulses to eat unhealthy food, or self harming behaviour. I don’t understand why I don’t love myself. Even though I know I can choose too, and I can beat myself up for it.

In these times the most common thought that pops into my head is the thought of ‘Need.’’

“I need rest.” “I need food.” “I need to get out of here.” “I need to meditate.” “I need to talk to this person.” “I need to sort this” “I need space.” “I need to stop eating this.” “I need to start thinking this way.” “I need to sleep.” “I need to learn to love myself.” “I need to stick through this.”… ECT

This “Need” word, and method of thinking, leaves me feeling exhausted before I’ve even taken any steps to help my situation. Often tiredness from doing nothing, is a common symptom of anxiety, stress and depression. This way of thinking also implies that how I am isn’t enough, it taps into my reptilian brain that believes that I’m going to run out of something and I’m going to be in danger.

When I think this way, even though the intention is always good, I’ve realised that I’m actually more likely to do the opposite, because I can’t relax. The thought is punishing, negative and harmful. For example, if you are lying in bed thinking about how you need to sleep, the chances are you are not going to fall anytime soon.

tumblr_onam2bRdfN1tlb5xto1_1280.jpgThis is because, when you thinking about a ‘need’ you are also thinking about a lack of something. There is a universal law that we attract what we are. Water blends into water. Happy moods attract happy energies. You fall in love, mostly when you feel in love with life. Life inspires you, when you are feeling creative. You are beautiful, when you feel beautiful.

However if you are thinking about a lack, the energy you are attracting is a lack. If your thinking about a lack of sleep, you’re actually thinking about keeping yourself awake. Thinking about a lack of social connection? Your acknowledging ‘empty spaces’ in your life, and most likely going to imagine more in the future which will encourage you to act in a way that reinforces that thought.

There are three basic laws that dictate the subconscious brain. I am sure that I have touched on them in other blog posts and I would like to mention them again.

  1. The subconscious brain only thinks in the present. The physical sensations you feel if you think about a horrible thing that happened previously and if you worry about a future event, will be the same as if the event was current.
  2. The subconscious brain only thinks in images and doesn’t understand the word no. For example if you think “I will eat no more KFC.” The symbol you suddenly see in your mind’s images, or physical sensations are related to KFC. Maybe you see chips, or are starting to salivate, and then your body now wants fried food. (Sorry!!)
  3. The subconscious brain dictated by trained habits. It takes training from our conscious mind to create the actions that come from our subconscious. It takes 21 consistent days to start the foundation for a new habit. For example if you are often thinking about how much you enjoy chocolate, at meal times, as a craving when your bored and on a daily basis, you are much more likely to accidentally eat that entire bar by accident when you are presented with chocolate, because your mind has been trained to believe that it is enjoyable for you.

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It is important for you observe your thoughts and notice an repetitive motions that despite trying to help you, are actually hindering you.

I sat down with a friend, who listened to me talking (breaking down) about my overwhelming life problems recently, and when I stopped speaking, she didn’t discuss them with me and instead told me to switch any thought of ‘need’ into ‘I want to…’, ‘I am excited to …’ and ‘It is important to me to…’ and then I’d find my answers… “Change your words. Change your life.”

It overwhelmed me how quickly I began to stop procrastinating and start acting on impulses that make my quality of life better and my happiness grow. I found more truth in my actions, I was not doing things that I once felt I had to, but following my rhythm and felt satisfied not only with where I’m going, but also where I am at.

When I’m feeling sad, or anxious about, slowly training this language as a habit is making accepting, letting go of, and giving myself what will help me discover and find happiness from negative feelings easier. It takes practise, and sometimes I fall into my ‘need’ habit, but this is because lessons keep repeating until they are learnt, and it can be very difficult to change an internal habit when externally the world and the people around me are the same. However, I find a new compassion for myself with each challenge, and create a stronger foundation for my mental health.

When I fall into the realm of ‘need’ it can be very easy to think that I must act, sometimes to train a new habit, creating a moment of space can be a perfect catalyst to help the process.  A different friend encouraged me to practise a meditation where I stood in my room for 20 minutes with my arms raised, closed my eyes, and observed.

Reluctantly I set my timer and allowed my arms to raise. The 20 minutes went by.  Thoughts of physical pain in my body, need to do something else, needs to change position,, past memories, fears for immediate future all arose. But then the 20 minutes ended. I dropped and relaxed my arms and listened to my body. Everything was okay. Despite my mind telling me the opposite a minute ago.

There is something to be recognised in sitting with the uncomfortable, and I now practise this meditation every now and then. The ongoing effect has been that I’ve realised I can push through my anxiety, that I am not my thoughts, or my pains, and that I have the power to redirect my mind. I’ve found that in my workouts I can push my body further than ever, and in rehearsals and classes I’ve been able to notice uncomfortable feelings, choose whether I want to act or accept them and then continue living in the present. This is an ongoing skill that I am excited to continue discovering.

 

I’ve realised that my anxieties, and sad emotions are not a bad thing. That they are an important part in my self development and in our society. The negative is something that drives us to develop as a species. It created music and technology to improve our well being and our ability to show compassion to one another.  I do not need anything,  I am enough in all I am and all I am not. I am excited to try new things, but equally appreciative of where I am. I am enough. You are too.

Lots of Love.

Nome xx

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“We have a tendency to think in terms of doing and not in terms of being. We think that when we are not doing anything, we are wasting our time. But that is not true. Our time is first of all for us to be.To be what? To be alive, to be peaceful, to be joyful, to be loving. And that is what the world needs most.“

— 

Thich Nhat Hanh

Ps: Thanks to the two amigos, that I mention in this blog. And to you for reading. ❤

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Poetry for those that seek it. Dear whom it may concern. flat,800x800,075,f.jpg

I can not apologise for thinking in poetry and feeling in earth quakes any longer.

I can feel fragile as a sand sculpture and as strong as an amazon tree. I can not apologise needing patience.

I do not owe you consistency that I can not give. I do not owe you an explanation for my journey. I do not owe you the entirety of my universe no matter how much I love you.

I can not prevent the confusion I may cause you within my own collapses and supernovas. Ideas as comets and Forrest fires.

There is a collateral that accompanies loving somebody who is learning to love themselves.

There are answers I do not have and messes I will make in finding them.

These messes may be disguised as mistakes, they may make you angry or sad, or perhaps you will feel that you no longer know me at all and wander if you ever did. But we are not making mistakes, we are finding answers.

I never wish another pain. Neither do you. We can get lost in our ego’s, but in truth, all any human ever wants is to love, and be loved.

I can no longer apologise for being messily passionate and then occasionally empty within my process. You shouldn’t feel guilty either, if your understanding and ways of giving love are different to mine.

I understand if you do not wish to observe my inner confrontation within your daily life. I come in a small, and complicated and spontaneous package.

I can understand if you can no longer share compassion for somebody who evolves like a droplet into an ocean with ever changing tides.

I can not apologise for only knowing how to love deeply. For colliding with the inner soul with every other I choose to share my body and mind with. 

I can not apologise for my explorative, questioning and savouring mind. And my need to find mirrors and past lives within the eyes of my lovers.

I can not apologise for the obscure ways I give and care and never being able to accept your ego and inner pains as an excuse to banish me away in convenience.

I can not apologise for not being afraid to be bruised whilst equally being petrified of getting burnt.  You shouldn’t feel that you need to apologise either.

There is occasional self destruction and inner pain, that accompanies the making of a truthful and unconditionally loving self. I will no longer be ashamed of my humanity.

– LOVE LETTERS TO THE SELF.

 

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